The Perilous Adventures of Linik

by Mary Lou Brown

Linik (LEE- NICK) awoke as she always did at 8:00 am sharp to the sound of Mango sweetly playing, Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring, on her harp. Linik rose and donned a beautiful purple dress with flakes of diamond covering it. She had had a most puzzling dream that night in which her manager, Napoleon Moriarity had tried to kill her.

Linik Brunhilde Gimel is a young girl, 19 almost twenty, to be exact. Linik is a very popular singer. Her father, Uther Pendragon, a descendent of King Arthur, had died when she was a baby and her mother, Alisande Gimel of the Lake, a descendent of Sir Lancelot, had died when she was ten. Linik uses her mother's maiden name for her singing concerts because it sounded more like a singer's name. She has sung at almost all the important places in the world. She is a devout catholic.

When Linik was interviewing for managers, she hadn't had much luck. Then Napoleon Moriarty came in. She liked his appearance and he seemed prepared. They hit it off, so she took him on. She had really liked working with him but, lately, he had been acting funny. He seemed to have fallen in love with her, but she did not feel the same way. He was always popping up at her house and taking her to dinner and dancing and always trying to kiss her, but she would try to wriggle away and it worked almost every time.

"What's in the mail?" Linik asked Mango. Mango is Linik's cat. She has orange fur and has very special gifts. She can talk sometimes, she makes great funnel cakes, and she plays the violin with her front paws and the harp with her back paws at the same time. Mango tossed Linik a letter. It read:

My dear Miss Linik Brunhilde Gimel,

We would like you to come and sing at our convention in San Francisco. The Pope will be at our convention. We have provided a room at the Inter-Continental Hotel. Please call us at this number: 778-654-9832 to finalize the details.

Yours truly,


Linik finished her conversation with the GOP by saying, "I'll start to pack my bags right now."

As Linik and Mango were packing their bags, Linik said, "By the way Mango, do you ever feel frightened when you're around Napoleon Moriarity? Lately, I feel uneasy around him."

Just then the door bell rang. Linik ran to open it. It was Napoleon Moriarity. He rushed up to her and gave her a kiss, which startled her greatly. "Napoleon, what is the meaning of this?"

He got down on one knee and said, "Linik, will you marry me?"

She had never expected him to say that. "Napoleon", she hesitated, "I'll have to think about it." she said slowly.

"Then, please come to dinner with me this evening" he insisted.

"Yes", she paused "I'll come".

Napoleon swooped down and kissed her again (much to her dislike). "I have to run an errand. I'll pick you up at 6:00pm." Linik was so stunned she didn't know what to think. She didn't want to marry him, but she didn't know how to say "NO".

After he left, she noticed a small bottle on the floor and realized it must have fallen from his coat pocket. She looked at it and found the bottle was marked ISON with the rest of the label torn off. She thought if you added P and O, you would get the word poison! She opened it up and tasted it. "Antimony, that's a deadly poison" she whispered to herself.

Later that evening, while Mango was at home finishing the packing, Linik was at dinner with Napoleon. She sat bored listening to him dominate the conversation saying how much he loved her, what they were going to do when they were married, and how happy she would be when they were married. Finally, she couldn't stand it anymore and she quietly said "Napoleon, I don't know if we are getting married."

"Why darling, how could you have any second thoughts when you said 'yes'?"

"Napoleon, I didn't say yes, I said I'd think about it" she said rather annoyed "besides people are beginning to stare. Let's go home. I have a long day ahead tomorrow. We'll continue this discussion in the car."

In the car Linik said "Napoleon, I never said yes. I said I'd think about it"

"But dear, you'll be so happy." he said

"I'll think about it on my journey", she responded.

"Let's just get married now. I know a Justice of the Peace who will marry us now."

"No!"Linik said with her voice slightly raised, "when I get married it will be in the church. We have to take the special classes that the church requires."

The next morning the car was all packed and Linik and Mango were leaving earlier than they planned. Linik couldn't sleep the night before because she was so worried about Napoleon's proposal and excited about her concert. She decided to leave an hour earlier to avoid Napoleon seeing her off. Linik wore a beautiful flower printed silk dress. It was a lovely day.

"I don't know what to do Mango. Napoleon seems nice, but I don't want to marry him. I wish mother were here." Linik said woefully. "Yes! I think I have it. I think I have it. I'll call on Uncle Valiant and Aunt Valissa Pendragon, they live in Nieladia, NC". Uncle Valiant and Aunt Valissa were Linik's legal guardians since her Mother died. "That's right at this exit". They drove until they reached 8342 Juniper Court. Linik got out. Mango stayed inside playing the Sherlock Holmes theme song. Linik rang the door bell.

A beautiful lady came to the door. She had pretty blond hair, slightly grey at the roots. Her skin was a pretty tan, but slightly wrinkled. She smiled and said "Linik dear, how are you? Come right inside and sit yourself down. I'll call your Uncle Valiant, VALIANT! COME DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW, OUR GODDAUGHTER'S HERE!" A distinguished looking man walked into the room. He had grey hair, smoothed back, and he looked very much like Claude Rains in The Sea Hawk except with grey hair

"Hello Linik", he said in silvery tones "what an unexpected surprise."

"Well, Uncle Valiant, Napoleon wants to marry me and I don't know what to do. He seems nice but, oh, I don't know what to do." She said wringing her hands in the air "I really like working with him and he is a great manager, but I am not at all in love with him. At least I don't think so" her voice trailed off.

Aunt Valissa spoke up "Linik, I want you to know some of the qualities that your uncle had when I considered marrying him. He was an active member of the Catholic Church, he was fervent pro-life, he was an excellent student. He came from a first-class family. He was a virtuous, noble, clever, worthy man. Does that help you Linik?"

"Yes, Aunt Valissa that helps me a great deal", she replied. Aunt Valissa insisted she spend the night. After a yummy breakfast of homemade waffles and bacon, Linik was almost ready to go when her diamond cat communication system started ringing (This system combines a cell phone and a message writing device where Mango can write on a white screen with a small emerald stylus, tapping "done" to send the message. Linik's functions like a cell phone.). It was Napoleon.

He said, "Linik dear, I found out that we're staying at the same hotel tonight. Call me as soon as you get in. As he was hanging up Linik heard voices behind his back, she wondered who he was with.

Linik drove for hours but after lunch she decided to put the car on auto pilot. Most of the time passed happily. She and Mango recorded their next opera CD, this was the newer version of Fidelio. Next, they figured out a way of counting cards at the casino without getting caught. She gave Mango a bath in sugar water (these were Mango's favorite baths). She dried Mango off with a silken towel, then went on her amethyst encrusted computer and sent $1,001,000 to National Right to Life, Several Sources, and Priests for Life. Just as she was finishing the car pulled into the parking lot. She grabbed an over-night bag and checked into the hotel. She freshened up, reapplied her makeup, and put on a new pretty blue dress. She called Napoleon. He said to meet him at the hotel dining room in an hour. She thought this was strange because he was usually so anxious to be with her. She also heard voices behind his back. Since she would have to wait an hour, she and Mango rehearsed their finale for their upcoming concert. It was now one hour from the time she had called Napoleon. She grabbed a purse and drudged down the stairs thinking to herself, 'ugh I'd rather stick my head in a bowl of chocolate pudding than eat dinner with him. But, she put on a smile and went to the dining room. Napoleon spotted her right away and started running toward her with his arms out stretched. With quick thinking she veered her position towards the right a bit and he ended up crashing into the wall. Then they sat down to dinner

"Napoleon, I think I'm leaning towards a decision." She said, but, before she could speak another word,

Napoleon said, "I know what it is. YES!"

"Napoleon, give me some more time to think about it. "I'll give you an answer at the end of this concert."

They had just finished dinner and Napoleon was trying to get her to take a moonlit walk with him on the terrace. Linik refused saying she was tired and wanted to get back to her room. Napoleon reminded her she needed to sign some business contracts, which he had in his room. She quickly signed them and left.

"Oh Mango, I don't want to marry him. I better recharge my cell phone overnight. Where's my purse? I need the charging cord. I must have left it in Napoleon's room. I'll think I'll call Aunt Valissa when I get back from Napoleon's room. When Linik got there she noticed that the door wasn't closed. She heard voices in the room. Two were unknown.

"When do we start getting some of that Dame's real money instead of this counterfeit stuff we've been making." Linik wondered if they would say any more, and just in case, she pulled out her diamond cat communication system. Linik went to the recording part of it. She was getting evidence to convict them.

"That's right, Tom, why do we have to keep the counterfeit stuff boss?"

Napoleon spoke up, "You don't know to handle this stuff. I have a plan, a neat little plan. I know how to suck the most money out of her and you two will get your shares"

A man walking down the hallway noticed Linik. He was amazed to see her and said, "Why golly me, it's Linik Gimel. Miss Linik will you sign an autograph for me?"

"Uh sure" said Linik painfully. After she had signed, she tried to escape. But, Napoleon and his men captured her. She tried to wiggle away, but it was no use. His grasp was like iron. He dragged her into his room.

"Sign right here" Napoleon said.

Linik read the document. It was a Last Will and Testament for her. "Sign THIS will? Right here? I'll never do such a thing" she shouted.

"You'll sign it, or else you'll be sorry." he said calmly.

"I don't care. I'll never do such a thing! Besides, there are lots of people in this hotel. Someone is bound to hear me", she shouted angrily. "No one would believe that I would have such a will, leaving everything to you, especially, my aunt and uncle. You would draw suspicion to yourself, if you brought this phony document into court. And furthermore, I never loved you. I love my aunt and uncle more than anything else. I'd turn you over to the police for anything." Linik spoke louder and longer, hoping someone would call the police.

Napoleon grabbed her tightly and placed duct tape over her mouth. "You don't want anything bad to happen to your Aunt and Uncle and that pesky little cat of yours? Do you?" he replied.

Reluctantly, Linik signed the Will to protect her Aunt, Uncle and Mango.

Now we must turn to Mango who is very worried about her mistress. "Mew meow" 'what should I do it is 1:00am and Linik hasn't come back.' she thought. Mango decided to go to the police. She ran two miles to the closest police station.

In the morning, the ruthless Napoleon and his awful gang removed the duct tape and escorted Linik out of the hotel. They were holding her so tightly, she didn't dare put up a fight. They took her to the forest, tied her to a tree, added a fresh piece of duct tape, and set a time bomb to go off in one hour!

Knock, knock, knock, Mango was desperately trying to make herself heard.

"Why, goodness gracious, I do believe there's a cat at our door. I'll let her in." said a pretty looking police woman. Mango was startled to find herself actually inside the police station.

She began to talk, "mew meow mow mewo mem mowie mim mom mo mu." She went on like this in cat language for a long time, but the officers couldn't understand her. At last morning came, and it was just about the time when Napoleon was taking Linik out to the forest. Half an hour passed, the bomb was ticking away.

At 7:30am someone new came into the police station. His name was Detective Siegfried Asgard. He was the smartest one in the whole police station. He was very handsome. And he had a cat just like Mango, named Pineapple.

Siegfried knew how to talk with cats. Siegfried saw Mango and knew just what to do. He grabbed a pen and paper and started to decipher. Before long, he had the whole story. He knew how Napoleon had wanted to marry Linik, how she felt uneasy about him, and how she left to go get her purse and has not been seen since yesterday evening.

"We'd better get over there immediately." Siegfried said. "Come on everyone. Come on Mango, jump in my car!" Detective Siegfried went flying down the road at 100 miles per hour with Mango beside him. When he arrived at the hotel, he jumped out of his car to search for clues. He found some muddy footprints and lots of shreds of the finest blue silk. When he got to the parking lot, the footprints stopped.

Suddenly, Mango started meowing up a storm. She got Siegfried's attention and pulled out her diamond cat communication system. She went to the GPS part and pressed "find the mate". Fortunately, Napoleon hadn't noticed Linik had hidden her diamond cat communication system in her dress. Siegfried followed the GPS tracking device through a wooded area to a tree where the most beautiful girl he had ever seen stood tied up, wearing a blue silk dress. At her feet, was a time bomb set to go off in 45 seconds. He ran towards the bomb, picked it up and ran until he reached the nearby lake. He threw it in and then rushed back to help the girl. He cut her loose and together they ran for cover as the bomb exploded.

"So, what got you in this predicament?" Asked Siegfried.

"Well, it's a long story ...." Linik proceeded to tell the story. Then Mango came tripping up the path. "Who is this man?" said Linik.

Mango responded "mo muw mow mum myn megdy myee miw mavvy mwoo magtd megtd mis mane min nenetive siggy asgaer"

"Thanks, Mango." said Linik. Then she turned to Siegfried, "What do you think we should do about Napoleon?" asked Linik.

"I think you should get a bodyguard. I'd be your bodyguard, if you want" he said.

"Sure" said Linik.

After a few days on the road, Siegfried and Linik discover they have a lot in common. They both have Cats that talk, and Super Cars. They agree on everything. They are Pro-life, Republican, courageous, charitable, and Catholic. One day Siegfried was taking Linik out to dinner, and the cats were staying home. (This talking is in cat talk, but to give you a better understanding of what is going on, I have translated it.) "What should we do tonight with my mistress and your master out?" said Mango.

"Let's make funnel cakes." said Pineapple, "They are my favorite."

"They are my favorite too" said Mango. "Oh no, the blender plate isn't here. I thought I forgot to pack something."

"Don't worry Mango I think I saw one around. I'll go get it." It just so happens that the plate that Pineapple saw was the plate that works Linik's car so it can perform all of its special features. Some of the special features are: running without gas, auto pilot, looking like a regular trunk, but being a super trunk. They placed the plate in the blender and made funnel cake batter. When Linik and Siegfried came home they were horrified to learn that the car wouldn't start. Then they found the plate in the blender. Linik carefully washed the plate in rosewater. Then they both gave the cats a talking to. Siegfried replaced the plate.

A few months later, Linik came to a startling conclusion. She loved Siegfried. She didn't think that he loved her though, so she decided to keep this to herself. Meanwhile, Siegfried was thinking the same thing. Five months later, Siegfried decided to ask Linik to marry him. One night he asked Linik to take a moonlight walk with him in a garden. She agreed. When they were alone Siegfried got down on one knee and said "Linik dear, I love you. Will you marry me?"

Linik shrieked for joy and flung her arms around his neck, "Of course I will." She said "But, first you have to meet Aunt Valissa and Uncle Valiant. I can't marry you without their blessing." They went by plane to Aunt Valissa and Uncle Valiant's house. The trip was delightful. Uncle Valiant and Aunt Valissa both agreed that Siegfried was an excellent pick.

Linik needed to get back to San Francisco for her concert. Aunt Valissa and Uncle Valiant drove them to the airport. As they were boarding the plane, they noticed someone on the plane. It was Napoleon! He was sitting a few rows behind them. They decide to follow him when they land. They followed him to Chinatown, where he met with his gang. They heard him plotting with their gang to bomb the Convention Center where Linik is supposed to perform.

"I'd better get help. Linik, you stay here behind this crate." said Siegfried. Linik stayed and watched. Siegfried came back.

"Oh, I'm so glad you're safe, dear." Linik said.

"We'll stay put until the police come. Things might get ugly, so here's a pistol, darling. Only shoot to kill if necessary. Just try to wing them." said Siegfried. Several police cars pulled up and the SWAT Team. Siegfried and Linik slowly crept out of their hiding place. They stayed under cover and they quietly told the police what was going on. Then everyone took their places. Napoleon and his men did the same thing. They all knew this shoot or get shot. One of Napoleon's men crept toward Linik; she shrieked and fired her gun. She winged him in the leg. He staggered backward and dropped his gun. She quickly grabbed his gun and took him prisoner. The same thing happened to Siegfried. Two of the police officers, Dick Grayson and Bruce Wane, were struggling to capture Napoleon. They winged him in 19 different places, but he still would not give up. Here Linik saw how she could help. Once she had accidently stepped on his toe, and he fell down senseless. She thought if she could manage to shoot his toe, they would be able to take him captive. She shot directly at his toe, he fell down senseless.

A few days later, Linik sings at the GOP convention in San Francisco. She sang Madame Butterfly, the Ombra Mai Fu from Xerxes, and the Habanera from Carmen, and the Cara Nome` from Rigoletto as an encore.

She and Siegfried traveled back to Crimadonsa together. He rented a house. They went to Linik's Church and started taking the marriage classes offered by the Church. Six months later, they have a beautiful wedding in Crimadonsa. The Archbishop says the Mass. Uncle Valiant, Aunt Valissa, Mango and Pineapple and a flood of her fans come to the ceremony. Linik's dress is made only of white rose petals. It is the most beautiful thing the world has ever seen. It is short sleeved with strings of pearls, rubies, emeralds, and sapphires crisscrossing up her arms. Her hair is shining brighter than the sun with strings of pearls, rubies, emeralds, and sapphires entwined in it.

Linik and Siegfried went on a honeymoon around the world and lived happily ever after.